Outing Jodie Foster

That last post? [blush] Okay, I do approve of printing unconfirmed rumours. Here's one now, from the Dallas Voice: American comic Suzanne Westenhoefer recently said, "At this point Jodie Foster should just come out. She's not an ingenue anymore. You know, it really saddens me because Jodie Foster could do so much good."

And AfterEllen.com's Kim Ficera weighed right in: "Jodie Foster. Love her or hate her, mention her name in a roomful of dykes and spines tingle, backs curl. Jodie has the power to turn a happy lesbian dinner party into a raging, Crossfire-like debate -- not about her talent, which most would probably agree isn’t up for debate, but about her personal life."

Some will "argue that Jodie should come out of the closet because of what she could do for the lesbian and gay community. Jodie's clout, the respect she commands, her charming personality and warm, soft-spoken manner, they believe, will help make the world a more welcoming place for lesbians. These folks are likely out themselves and want some very famous company. Or, perhaps their desire is more selfish. Maybe they think they're owed something in return for supporting Jodie over the years. Maybe, just maybe, they simply want to be right. Whatever the reasons, this argument is, of course, based on the belief that Jodie is in."

Begin Fantasy Program 2.0: "Let's pretend that Jodie came out this morning. Let's suppose that she did so in true Jodie fashion -- she didn't call a press conference, she simply and finally, in a one-on-one interview while promoting her new movie, answered 'Yes' to a question reporters have been asking her for years: 'Are you gay?'"

And then what? "After getting what we’ve always said we wanted, would we be satisfied? Nah. Why? Because we don’t want Jodie to simply come out publicly, we want her to be our leader...."

"She seems fiercely independent to me and probably doesn't want to be owned by the lesbian community. Yes, owned. We lesbians might be a fun bunch, but we can be very demanding. Jodie's fabulous, sure, but even she knows she’s not perfect. She could not possibly live up to the image that lesbians all over the world have created for her."

Here's the imagined scenario: "As the weeks and months go by, Jodie The Amazing Lesbian is everywhere.... She talks live with Katie Couric and Oprah, and she’s so direct and honest with Bill O'Reilly that she makes his head explode -- literally. She guest stars on 'The L Word' and writes a bestseller called 'You're Right! I'm a Lesbian! She's honored by the HRC, GLAAD and every other queer acronym you can think of. She pole vaults in the Gay Olympics and wins a gold medal." And on and on! It's great!

"…Until it’s not. Jodie soon fucks up -- in our eyes, at least. She does something wrong -- something ridiculously human and incredibly innocuous -- yet we deem it bad and can't forgive her for it. What does she do? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe she’ll be caught by the paparazzi driving around Hollywood without her rainbow flag bumper sticker. Or perhaps she'll say something stupid, call someone 'too gay' or 'not gay enough.' Or, worse, maybe she'll move to Miami, cut her hair in a way we don't like and then tells Brooke Shields that aspirin will stunt her growth....

"Faster than she can say 'Tay in the wi-i-i-i-ind,' the Lesbian Police will whack Jodie Foster upside her head. She’ll be swiftly banished to public relations hell to spend eternity with Chastity, Rosie, Tom, and the most hated lesbian-for-a-moment of all time -- Anne Heche."