I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you

News flash! Mainstream reporters are freaked that homosexuals watch TV that's not all about their own private parts. "Gay TV survey defies stereotypes," reports United Press International.

An American "study on the TV habits of gays and lesbians revealed Monday they like 'South Park' just as much as 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.' 'South Park,' which routinely pokes fun at the gay population, was the second most popular TV show behind 'Queer Eye,' with about 25 percent of gays saying they watched it in the past month, compared to 8 percent of the total population."

At least 'South Park' gave us double-S gays Satan and Saddam. 'Queer Eye' is the most tired show on the tube. Yet more proof that gay men are loyal to a fault. Just scratch his ears and turn on the set.

Lesbians like the endless litany of sexual attacks followed by well-deserved justice on 'Law & Order: SVU,' then seem to relax with 'Golden Girls' reruns on Lifetime." Perhaps Bea Arthur is the new lesbo sex-pot? Finally, there's the manly Spike's idiots-on-parade show, 'Real TV.' All these programs are enjoyed by lesbians "in far greater numbers than [in] the general population, the study found."

I don't see 'The L Word' on this list.

Despite show preferences, the study sez that lesbians have upscale tastes, liking "premium cable channels such as HBO, A&E, USA, ESPN, Discovery, Lifetime, Showtime, Bravo (the US one, mind, not the goodie goodie Can-culture one), TNT and Starz."

In order, gay men watch: Comedy Central, Discovery (huzzah for the homegrown hit, "Daily Planet"), and Spike TV, a rugged man's man of a station filled with kung fu flicks and bloody, cheoregraphed wrestling matches (this lesbian watches Spike for its endless afternoon Star Trek reruns). Next come A&E, Bravo, Sci Fi, CNN (news 24-7), Lifetime, Fox News Channel (no Canuck distribution for that one), and HGTV (for fag hags and their gay decorator friends).

But but... does the United States not have a FashionTelevision Channel? It's just as queer as Canada's OUTtv, but waaaaay less tediously earnest (hey, I care about beaten up high school students, but I won't watch a doc on them rebroadcast five times a day). On the weekend the fabtabulistic fashion channel's "101 Most Starlicious Makeovers" featured Anne Heche (see her redemption here), transforming from straight to gay and back again. In another segment, a voiceover noted that "every heterosexual man" lived for Farrah Fawcett in 1976. Now that's television for my peeps. Got that, CBS?