There is no dog

Those wacky Raelians. We love 'em - after all, space aliens support queer rights ("you may behave as you desire"). And Quebec is particularly blessed, seemingly being the place with the most and most ecstatic followers of the guru Claude Vorilhon, rechristened Rael by extraterrestrials, whose book I just finished. That tome would be "Space Aliens Took Me To Their Planet. True Story. The Most Important Revelation In The History Of Mankind. The Book Which Tells The Truth. The Ultimate Encounter!" It was translated from the original French by acolytes and published in 1978.

So Raelians are homo supporters. And yes, humanity was created in test tubes by an advanced race of creatures who boiled us up in a lab in their own image (and much of the tome reinterprets the Christian Bible in this light). The message is that humans must prepare their brethren for the return of the creators. Hey, everybody's gotta have a purpose in life.

His Holiness Rael (and the space aliens who make his mouth move) are pro-choice and anti-religion (except for their own); they're pro-science but anti-evolution (because aliens created everything); and they're anti-marriage because "a man or a woman cannot be the property of anyone else." Space beings "all love one another. Jealousy doesn't exist." That last part's all terribly progressive sounding. So gay lib-ish!

So it's such a shame about the other tenets of the faith. Followers would be wise to keep their hair long, and men to hold on to their beards. Hair helps with the telepathy. "Man's brain is like a huge transmitter capable of sending out a multitude of very accurate waves and thoughts.... But this type of transmitter requires antennae. That is why one shouldn't shave off the hair of the face and head if one wants to make use of them.

"You have surely noticed," quothe the alien, "that many of your scientists have long hair, and often a beard. The prophets and wise men, too. Now, you understand the reason for this better." (That would make hairier men, uhm, better, than women.)

And speaking of big brains: Jews are the Earth's most intelligent race. In fact, Jews will come out on top in the end, since Raelism is the worship of a dictatorship of the smartest. Only brutes have held power so far, the alien told Rael. That's gotta change: from here on in, only geniuses should rule the Earth, preferably in one world government. "In order for this to happen elections must be abolished and also the vote."

Only sufficiently intelligent people can participate in running the world. "Now you have psychologists who are capable of creating tests to evaluate the intelligence and the adaptation of individuals. Right from infancy on, these tests must be applied... and when the individual reaches an age when he becomes responsible, we may finally define his intellectual coefficient which will be marked on his identity card or voter's card. Only those who have an intellectual coefficient of at least 50 percent above the average will be eligible for a public post and those who will be able to vote will have an intellectual coefficient of at least 10 percent above the average."

All this lobbying and re-arranging of the world order takes mondo moolah, of course. Conveniently, the spaceship people also ordered Rael to tithe followers and build a large home with a swimming pool, trees and a great big fence. Plus servants. And maybe, if the aliens really like his work, they'll send over a few anatomically correct and very, very beautiful girl robots -- easily rassled up in their automaton-makers. The robots are quite adept at the raunchy stuff. I read that somewhere.