The Revolutionary Act of Ex Gays
October 2003
As I followed the media reports of the so-called "ex gay" religious gathering in Toronto last month, I realized that they -- the ex gay enemy -- sound a lot like "real" gays when they talk about how unhappy they are with the culture of homosexuality.
Many of these ex gays say that they can't find love. That gay culture is obsessed with sex and one-night stands and that gay people run from intimacy and commitment.
Sound familiar? We can, it turns out, learn from ex gays - and their search for love and connection. Because some of their complaints mirror our own.
So many gay men and lesbians lament that they cannot find a life partner. That bars are full of people who aren't interested in more than 10 minutes of fun. That boyfriends and girlfriends are no good, lie, cheat, and bite the heads off bats for breakfast. (Er, that would be my last girlfriend.)
It used to be that sex with whoever you found out there in the park or in the bar was a way of building intimacy and community. A way of snubbing rigid societal codes, and of connecting, of making human contact. We built our community through the very acts that made us perverts and outcasts. And those acts (illegal, resulting in assault or harassment) took great courage.
In 2003, sex is about release. If in a public space like a park, it's about grabbing hold of that feeling of daring and of fun. It's really all about me -- not about the act of being naughty right under the noses of the righteous heteros, or about my partner. (Heteros did the same thing in naughty 1960s -- but soon, the original politics of rebellion was overshadowed by the search for simplke sexual release. Straight women came to realize that this was a sexual revolution only for the other half of populace.)
Nowadays, a sex partner from the park will walk down the street arm in arm with the full-time spouse and totally ignore last night's trick. Bar pick-ups snub each other. The bitter loudly diss the seduction techniques of the latest schmuk, while sitting just a few feet away in the coffee shop.
Where is the community in this?
We have turned our brash culture of sexual liberation into one that merely commodifies the orgasm. This isn't the way to build relationships, culture or community. (And this is true for both boys and girls)
Many of us know it. I've sat through meetings where homosexuals despair of ever settling down. They attack gay culture for trivializing intimacy.
I believe they're right. But I believe this trivialization comes from our own homophobia. Ex gays acknowledge the internalized hatred that's been instilled in them by their family and friends and teachers. It's deep inside them, and they're struggling with it. The rest of us -- the well-adjusted, out, "real" gay men and lesbians, pretend it's not there.
I looked through dozens of covers of a major Canadian gay newspaper: not one gay man touched another on its cover.
I'm not talking hot and heavy sex on the front page. I'm talking about a simple show of affection.
Hatred and a lack of self-worth affect us all, but their evils are played out in different ways.
Thus so many of us can't settle down -- our relationships last three months or two years before spectacularly exploding in a puff of smoke. How can we be happy in a couple when we aren't truly happy ourselves, as gay people?
And so disenchanted gay people seeking some romance and real connection in their lives react by attacking the culture of sexual liberation.
That's the wrong target. We can't buy into the need to force everyone into the twosome marriage mold. That makes us no better than the intolerant "traditional family" fascists.
But we do need to question what our romanticized notion of sexual liberation has turned into -- and push ourselves, force ourselves, to change it. To make it about people, not about orgasms. A lifetime of truly intimate flings and real connection with others? Now there's living your life as a revolutionary act.
And those who seek long-term romance must accept that they can't play the game of one-stands and bar pick-ups when that's not what they want. They need to figure out what they want -- and go for it. Gay culture doesn't force you to play a game you despise. You do.
Be happy with whatever lifestyle decision you make. Gays, just like ex gays, need to understand that individual fulfillment comes from within. And that's the real revolutionary act.