Lies and the lying liars who tell them
August 2004
Our gay and lesbian culture still accepts that secrecy and deception are good things.
We deny it by holding huge celebrations and parades in the streets, and we go on and on about the importance of pride. But deep down, we're fine with lying about our selves and our lives.
Marriage, for which many gay people have fought for long and hard, is now a right for same-sex couples here in Canada. Marriage is the public proclamation of a relationship.
But legal marriage came about through a court case that petitioned for lesbian "divorce." A few years ago, a penniless lesbian demanded a division of assets from her rich ex when the relationship fell apart. The poorer woman won, and set in motion the legal precedents that eventually led to legalized same-sex marriage.
The hero's name? H. Or maybe her name was M? Who can keep the good guys straight when the case was a collection of initials? (And they weren't even the women's initials, they were those of their lawyers.)
The first "real" divorce case, also between two lesbians, has just been filed in a Canadian court. By more initials.
Secrecy, it would seem, is essential when it comes to demanding our rights.
When I visited Calgary a while back, a town where I knew no one, a stranger (and activist) kindly accepted to have drinks with me and give me his version of the local homo history. In the midst of our chat, he asked if I was planning on having a fling or two while visiting. Flings are an important aspect of our culture, he argued, and if I'd promised to be monogamous, he hoped I'd just have sex and lie to my spouse.
I agree with him; fooling around is an important part of gay culture, and I celebrate its rejection of hetero norms. It's the duplicity that gets me.
So many gay men talk about how they can get away with lying to their boyfriends thanks to quickies in parks and bathhouses, as though falsehoods could in any way build a better human being, or a good long-term relationship.
Or how about men who have unprotected sex with other men, then go home and lie to their wives? Perhaps even pass on STDs or, God forbid, HIV.
We argue (in print and to each other) that it's their right to do so. We attack those who speak out against it in public, because privacy and the right to choose is more important than anything.
Turn that statement on its head and we're arguing that lying is a good thing, that putting others at risk of life-threatening illness wins out over simply speaking the truth.
When governments at various levels began to impose the generic spousal conflict-of-interest rules on same-sex partners, all hell broke loose. Heterosexuals in politics must declare when a partner is involved in something that might affect the other. The environment minister should announce when the live-in boyfriend is a lobbyist for Garbage Disposal Inc., say.
Activists went nuts: How dare the government out people? My response: How dare we allow gay people the right to screw over the public by giving them a loophole you could drive a caravan of trucks through?
But no matter what, outing is considered bad. The falsehood becomes not just a personal perjury, but one that is supported community-wide. Falsity has homo-societal support.
Gay culture? It's a culture of lies. How sad.